One of the major roadblocks to self-expression is the fear of rejection. People will go to their grave with the song still in them because of that fear. Wonderful opportunities have been lost and the quality of life has been dwarfed for many because of it. The fear of rejection, in the best-case scenarios, is very annoying and in extreme cases, it’s a debilitating curse.

Before we can learn how to handle successfully the fear of rejection, we need to understand its nature. The fear of rejection is a phobia. It’s an excessive fear of something that is innocuous or harmless. It’s an exaggerated reaction toward an imaginary threat. Nothing else.

The worst that a rejection can cause is a bruised ego. Nobody ever died of a bruised ego. However, that is not what a person in the throe of the fear of rejection will perceive. Just as is the case of any phobia, the response to the threat is highly exaggerated and the fight or flight response may become be activated.

When that happens, a benign threat will be perceived as an eminent danger that could have devastating if not of deadly consequences. That’s what a person affected with the fear of rejection will feel and that’s what his reality will be. No wonder that the response takes on such a disproportionate dimensions.

Eliminating the fear of rejection is affected primarily through a desensitizing process. The possible effects of rejection must be carefully and logically scrutinized. The following questions must be carefully examined, “What will happen to me if someone manifests, in words or in action, some expression of disapproval, criticism, resentment or rejection?”

If we have to be honest and sincere about it, the worst that can follow a rejection is a bruised ego. And that is only in the cases where we will allow our ego to be affected by the incident. Words by themselves have no power to hurt us – that is, unless we allow it to be.

The more we explore the real effects of rejection, the more we understand that it has little consequences or significance. Someone does not like us or disagree with us; so what? Everyone his entitled to an opinion and we certainly don’t have to share it.

No one can rise in the social hierarchy without gathering a proportional share of people who will disagree, show unwarranted resentment and express some form of rejection. It goes with the territory. Champions, winners and mover and shakers know that and understand that it’s a very small price to pay for the life that they live and enjoy.

In the Stone Age, rejection meant that you could be excluded from the clan and left out of support and resources. This is no longer the case. In today’s world, rejection might even be seen as a sign of personal success. If you’re a nobody, no one will criticize and reject you; you’re not worth the effort. On the other hand, as you rise above the crowd, some opposition is to be expected.

No one enjoys criticism and rejection. On the other hand, incidents involving opposition have to be seen in the proper context. If someone else is on a different wavelength, it’s not necessarily a reflection on our self-worth. It takes a big person to be understanding, forgiving and tolerant. Not everyone has reach that level. So, let’s not be overly affected when we come across one of those poor souls who tries to rain on our parade. It’s not worth the time or efforts.

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Self-improvement will give you more tools and more resources. It will provide options that you never had before. It will give you insight on the working of the mind; it will give you hope when you need it and support when the going gets rough.

There is one thing that self-improvement will never do for you and that’s taking action for you. That is the major problem of those who get into self-improvement and fail. I have been very active in the self-improvement world and I have seen people spending ninety percent of their time learning new material or reading inspirational books while only spending ten percent of their time applying what they have learned. Not a good ratio at all.

Reading motivational material, attending seminars and going to great rallies can become a drug of choice. People who spend inordinate amount of time fiddling with self-help material while never taking action actually have the feeling that they are constantly improving when the reality is that they are simply chasing their own tail.

Self-improvement should be seen like any sport. First the rudiments of the discipline has to be learned followed by constant practice and occasional training lessons to learn new techniques and correct any faulty habits that may have been acquired along the way.

And, like in our sport analogy, the emphasis in self-improvement should be on the “practicing” part. Learning without doing is moot. Reading ten books on goal setting and achieving is completely worthless if the student does not set goals and strive to achieve those goals.

Back to the question, “Is Life Easier for Self-improvement Aficionados?” The answer is a non-equivocal YES. That is if there is equilibrium between the learning and the doing. The problem is that the “doing” or “taking action” part is a lot harder than the learning section.

A person could spend ten years reading about swimming but if that person does not get in the water and actually swim, chances are that falling off a boat would result in drowning. It is the same with self-improvement. The actual practice must follow the theory learning part or no change will come out of it.

Whatever we may have achieved so far, either good, bad or in between, is the result of small distinctions and small decisions that we have taken along the way. The better equipped and the more references that we had to assist us in making those distinctions/decisions, the more effective our choices were.

That’s where self-improvement techniques and theories can truly assist us. Those techniques and theories are the ones that were used by successful people who came before us. They are like a map that leads to success and the good life. So, when time comes to make those decisions, they are not done randomly. They follow a road that has been traveled before and known to work.

Suppose for a minute that you decided to do a parachute jump. What is the first thing that you would do? Chances are that you would try to gather as much information about parachute jumping as you could.

Well, it’s the same thing in life. We don’t get a second chance. We have to get it right on the first try. So, if I could give you the best possible advice that I can think off, it would be, “Take your self-improvement work seriously.” You’re already well into life’s parachute jump and you certainly want to get it right before you hit the ground.

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The human mind is funny. Once it has accepted a belief, it will hold onto it even in the face of undisputable proof to the contrary. Not only will the mind resist to changes its long held beliefs, it will perform incredible gymnastic to modify contrary information so that it conforms to what was previously held to be true.

Critical thinking is a rare staple while listening or reading self-improvement material. The problem is that, too often, quantity supercedes quality in the scope of our studies. We try to assimilate too much too fast. When that is done, concepts that differ from our previous beliefs will be overlooked and only evidences that confirm what we already believed will be noticed.

The mind resists changes. It wants to hold onto what has sustained us in the past. With changes we start trampling in unknown territory and with that comes the possibility of pitfalls and dangers. Something that the mind abhors. So it will do whatever it can to avoid it.

There is also the fact that self-improvement goes against the grain of social-proofs. Most people will pay lip service to self-improvement techniques but that’s about as far as it will go. That is very understandable.

The self-improvement world is filled with wild and outlandish claims that can only lead to deceits. That is especially true in the land of the Law of Attraction. Self-anointed gurus will offer amazingly simple formulas that promise to take the believer to seventh heaven overnight. Of course such techniques, though they may be based on partial truths, are bound to deceive and shed a bad light on the self-improvement world.

The major problem that we face in self-growth is not found in learning something new. The problem is getting rid of previously held notions and beliefs. Those are so deeply entrenched in our psyche that we find it very hard, if not impossible, to challenge their validity.

The mind feels that our views of the world have kept us relatively safe so far so it has no reason to change. We’ve already experienced the result of our mindset and we’ve been able to deal adequately with it so, why change and risk greater challenges in the process.

So, in a nutshell, self-growth’s worst enemies are: the innate resistance that we have to challenge and change our beliefs and the propensity to try to achieve overnight transformation.

Self-growth requires more critical thinking than it does acquiring new information. Until it is digested and thoroughly assimilated, new information is worthless. Critical thinking and soul searching is essential before any new concept can be assimilated and integrated.

That is not a process that can be rushed or drowned in a sea of information. It is a slow and gradual process where we are at the same time the teacher and the artisan of our own changes. Not an easy feat to accomplish since we are our own worst enemy.

Intellectual, spiritual and emotional self-growth requires patient and relentless efforts. To think otherwise is to fool ourselves. However the efforts that we invest in ourselves are by far the most rewarding that anyone could ever find. The quality of every aspect of our life depends on it.

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The best way to grow is by translating our thoughts into written the words. We tend to think in wordless notions, abstract concepts and images. Most of our thoughts are vague and ephemeral. If a conscious effort is not made to put some order in our thinking pattern, little will change in terms of personal wisdom and self-growth.

The written word, on the other hand, brings clarity to fuzzy notions. It gives specific form to abstract feelings and makes it possible to parse and analyze otherwise obscure mental concepts.

Learning provides us with more information however, to be truly effective, that information has to be parsed by going through the reasoning process. We need to actively verify if the information received is valid or not, what it means for us and how we can apply it constructively.

That parsing and reasoning process can best be done when working with something tangible such as the written word. Writing something down makes it possible to have a pro-active interchange with those words. It is the next best thing to an actual dialogue with someone else. By being able to see those written word, we can actually converse with them.

Thoughts are fleeting. The written word is not. We’ve all had the regrettable experience of thinking of something fantastic that could have been a huge breakthrough for us and then completely forgetting what it was. It can prove to be most frustrating since it is something that could have been preserved if we had taken the time to jot it down.

Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and all the great thinkers of the world were also famous and prolific writers. They would constantly put their thoughts and reflections down in the written form. They understood and appreciated the value of the written word.

There are various ways that the written word can be used as a personal-growth tool. It can be done in the form of journaling, through personal diary, by keeping a daily log of thoughts and ideas or simply through random writing in notebooks or in Personal Digital Application gadgets.

High-powered executives are notorious for carrying some form of small digital voice recorders with them all the time. No matter where, no matter when, if an interesting idea or thought comes up, it can be recorded right away to later be transferred in the written forms. That way, nothing is lost or forgotten.

Breakthroughs, great thoughts and ideas are not restricted to the time that a person is awake. Many times they will strike during the middle of the night and wake the person up. Care should be taken to register those flashes of insight right way; otherwise, chances are very high that by morning, they will be forgotten forever.

Anything new that we learn has to be integrated in our overall personal philosophy if it is to be of any use for us. That integration requires some mental gymnastic. We have to wrestle with every new concept or theory that we stumble upon so that they can be harmoniously wired in the makeup of our psyche. That exercise can best be done through the use of the written words.

With the written words, we have something tangible to work with. Those words can be changed and the sentences can be rearranged to fit the exact mold that we need and want.

A simple new thought randomly acquired can be turned into a highly polished mental concept that will fit harmoniously with our previous conceptions and beliefs. And, it is this harmony of thoughts that will shed clarity and understanding where confusion and darkness resided before. That is how we evolve and grow.

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That’s an awesome responsibility. The quality of our life depends on it. That book will be our final legacy. It can be a beautiful monument or the shadow of what it could have been. When, in the winter of our journey on Planet Earth, we reread that book, it can fill us with pride and satisfaction or it can be a source of regrets and misgivings.

No one knows how many pages are left in our book but there is something that we should aware off. That is the fact that the last chapters can drastically alter the tone of the entire book. It is never too late to change the course of the story presented.

In our book, just as is the case in most books that we’ve ever read, the epilogue is the most important part of the story. It does not matter what the hero of the book has done or gone through that really matter. What does really matter is what that hero eventually becomes.

A scoundrel can turn into an angel and loafer can turn into a mover and shaker. A proverbial victim of circumstances can turn into a charismatic leader and a silent spectator can turn into the parade leader.

It is our book. We are the authors. We get to choose how the story will turn out. So long as there are pages left, anything is possible. We can still write a book that we will be proud off.

Great people are not born. They are made. They are people who took control of their lives and of their destinies. They had the courage and the wherewithal to stand up and be counted. Most of what they did was not exceptional but what they did was done exceptionally well.

That is an option that is available to every one of us. We are not the result of circumstance; we are the creator of circumstances in that we get to choose what those circumstances mean to us. What is a stumbling block for one person is a stepping-stone for another.

Often we may be tempted think that we are inconsequential, unimportant, that we don’t matter much. There is no such thing as an unimportant person. Just as a butterfly that flutters its wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world, a word that we say or an action that we perform can dramatically change someone’s life or even alter the course of mankind.

Every word that we say and every gesture that we make can cause a ripple effect that will affect, positively or negatively, those that we touch. It is our book, it is our life; we get to write it. We can make it a formidable book of inspiration or a manual on ways to waste a life.

A good way to start the day is by asking ourselves the questions, “What will I write in today’s page? Will this first day of the rest of my life be an epic, world changing day, or will I spend it feeling sorry for myself?”

It is the answer to those daily questions that will determine the quality or our book and by the same token, the quality of our life. We are the authors; we get to write and to decide.

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The object of this article is to discuss one of those very simple truth. A truth that is so self-evident that it is very hard to grasp, yet so important that it cannot be ignored. I was exposed to that truism at a Werner Erhard seminar a long time ago. Werner was aware that it would be difficult for us to truly accept that fundamental truth so he gave a whole seminars on the subject. Following those seminars, the attendees were supposed to be enlightened. And, in many cases, they were.

What then is that so important fundamental truth that was supposed to transform our whole life and leave us enlightened? It can be found in the coloquism that says, “What is, is. And what ain’t, aint.”

It is hard to believe that such a trite reflection can have such a powerful impact on someone’s life and it is even harder to believe that a person who “holds” this truth could in some way be enlightened. It is none the less true. Hundreds of thousands of people who have attended Erhard’s EST seminars can attest to that.

When we really “get” the reality of what “What is, is. And what ain’t, ain’t.” we understand that we have no choice but to accept the Universe as it is. We understand that wishing that circumstances were different is pointless, useless and detrimental to our peace of mind. Things are the way that they are and complaining or recriminating will not change anything.

It is a concept that is readily acceptable intellectually. The problem is to be able to integrate it emotionally. It does require the complete reversal of a primal instinct. From the first minute that we are born we understood that if we wanted something or if we were displeased with anything, all that we had to do was to cry and make a fuss and someone would come and give us whatever we wanted.

In many cases, the modus operandi has not changed. If the Universe does not provide what is expected, self-pity becomes the only option and tears stand as the only solution. Not a very edifying, mature or effective reactions.

Once the concept of, “What is, is. And what ain’t ain’t” is assimilated intellectually and emotionally, needless extra baggage of useless emotions is no longer a burden that has to be carried. Needless expenditure of negative energies is no longer required and the person is now free to pursue life in a more enlightened way.

Once the Universe is fully accepted as it is, all the available energy can be concentrated on taking the cards that life has dealt us in the moment and make the most of it. Not only is that the best available option, it’s also the only logical one.

In order to progress and grow, bad patterns of thoughts have to be replaced with more empowering ones. Our emotions cannot be allowed to rule rational thinking. The fact that the Universe is what it is at any given moment must accepted and the fact that we can only deal with the cards that we were dealt must also be accepted.

That is the path to self-actualization, the road to fulfillment and the highway to personal happiness.

More information on Werner Erhard and the EST seminars can be found here.

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The main reasons that people adopt self-destructive habits are to combat frustration and to fill the void created by what seems to be a meaningless existence. It’s a way of escaping a difficult and painful reality. A way of numbing the pain and an effort to get some parcels of pleasure to fill the voids.

The destructive habit does not even have to procure pleasure. It only has to sustain the memory that it once did and that will be enough to keep the habit firmly active. The average gambler will lose money more often (pain) that he will win (pleasure.) However those rare victories are enough to sustain the habit.

Destructive habits are methods used to escape the tedium of a boring and meaningless life. It’s the best possible option that the individual has been able to find so far. That being said, it becomes evident that the solution lies in finding more productive and empowering options.

That’s much easiest said than done for two reasons. First of these reason would be the refusal to acknowledge that the destructive habits are used as an escape route. Second is the fact that once humans have found a solution to a problem most of the time they will not even try to find another one — even if the solution that they are now using is almost as bad as the problem that they are trying to solve with it.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Same with solutions to problems. You can offer solutions but if there is not a will to change, nothing will happen. However, there is a way to circumvent that. And that is by reaching the threshold of tolerance.

People will change when they cannot take it anymore. When the situation gets to be so bad that it is no longer an option, changes will be made. Every decision that we make is an effort to avoid pain and seek pleasure. So when the pain that a destructive habit gives becomes worse than the effort to make a change would, a change will happen.

Understanding a problem opens the door to the solutions. Bad and destructive habits are an escape route from frustration or from a meaningless life. If so, two possible solutions become evident. The first solution will get us on the most expeditious but least reliable route.

That would be to trade a bad habit for a good one. As examples, a smoker could get into sport and physical activities or a gambler could get involved in community work. If enough satisfaction is created by the new interest, it has some very good chances of working. However, the basic problems is not solved. We’ve just found an escape route for a dull and meaningless life.

The other solution, the ideal solution, the one that would solve the problem itself would be to set the plan for an interesting and meaningful life and implement that plan. It sounds like a very tall order but it’s not as bad as it seems at first glance. That is, if the person is determined to change.

We can either design a life or react to it. We can be the creator of our destiny or a victim of circumstances. The choice is ours. Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” If we follow his advice and create our future, there will be no need and no place for destructive behavior. Loving life and wasting it are not mutually compatible concepts. Create the life that you want and lose the destructive habits that you don’t want. The key to your future is in your hands – use it well and there will be no regrets.

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Have you ever said anything, or come up with an idea that was simply brilliant? A time when you were so proud of yourself? And can you remember times when you said something that was silly beyond beliefs? Of course you can. So, what made the difference between these two incidents?

The difference was due to the state of mind that you were while those occurrences were taking place. In the first case, the one that you were so proud of, you were in a great and empowering state of mind. In the second case, where you could not believe how silly you could have been, you were simply in a silly state of mind.

The state of mind is the regulator of our performances. That is what makes the difference between acting brilliantly and being just plain dumb.

That fact is seen every day in professional sports. Two teams of almost equal talent and ability will compete and the team that will win will be the one who’s player had the best attitude or the best state of mind. It is true in sport, it is also true in everyday life.

The state of mind is the determining factor in the quality of of every performances. A great state of mind will produce fantastic results while a so-so state of mind will produce questionable results.

The question then becomes, “how can we increase the quality of the state of mind that we are currently are in?” How can we change a low key state of mind into a dynamic, energetic and most empowering one?

The state of mind is most influenced by three factors.
1. What we focus on.
2. What things mean for us.
3. Our body posture.

If we focus on something that is positive, exciting and uplifting, those neurons in our brain will get all fired up and our mood will follow suit. Our state of mind will also be positive, excited and uplifted. On the other hand, if we focus on the bad and the ugly, so will our state of mind.

Shakespeare said, “Nothing is either good or bad but out thinking makes it so.” We get to decide what things or events mean for us and if we chose to color positively any situation, the quality of our state of mind will automatically be uplifted.

And, last but not least, one of the most effective way of empowering our state of mind is, through body posture.

At any given moment, small receptors throughout our body are sending signals to the brain signaling information about our posture. If we are standing straight and erect with an air of confidence, that’s the message that the brain will receive. On the other hand, if we stand and have the posture of someone who is down and defeated, that’s also the message that the brain will receive.

By altering our body posture we can directly affect our state of mind. Great posture, great state of mind. Great posture accompanied by well chosen focus and a positive outlook on whatever is affecting us in the present will create a fantastic state of mind. That state of mind will then determine the quality of our performances.

It’s not always how intelligent, how smart or how educated we are that matters most in how we perform. All these factors will be under the influence of our state of mind. So, if we want to perform to the highest level that we are capable of, the first thing that needs attention is our state of mind. The quality of the performance always depends on it.

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In this Blog, I would like to address the fundamental and universal need for significance. Significance is having the feeling that we are somebody, that we matter, that we make a difference. For most people, the way that this need is met will determine to a very large extent which direction that they will take in their life.

Donald Trump fulfills that need by being one of the most outlandish and biggest real estate developer. Obviously the need for significance is very profound in his case and it has totally shaped his life.

On the other hand, Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to be first in order to fulfill his need of significance. That need has had him push himself to train harder than anyone else in order to become the number one bodybuilder in the world. It did not stop there. Successful bodybuilders have a history of becoming movie actor.
So he became one. And not only did he became an actor but he has also eclipsed all other bodybuilders as an actor. The need to be number one has defined who he was and what he did.

The history of all great people are the same. They had an intense need for significance and they became famous by fulfilling that need.

Now, each and everyone of us also has that need for significance. Yet, very few of us has taken the time to determine what we do to fulfill that need. And more importantly most of us don’t know if we are fulfilling that need in an empowering or disempowering way.

If you want to know how you fulfill most of your need for significance, simply as yourself the question, “What is it about me that attracts attention?” You might be quite surprised to find out what the answer will be.

Both, positive and negative traits will attract attention. Some people will attract attention by being successes, others will do it by being failures. Some people will fulfill the need in an empowering way, others in a disempowering way. Some will do it by being heroes, others will do it by being obnoxious. There are those who will do it by building people up. Others will do it by tearing people down.

We all have our own personal technique, our own personal operational system to achieve significance. We have to find out what it is and we have to find out if it is leading us to personal fulfillment, contentment and happiness or if it’s leading us down the path of misery and self-destruction.

The good news is that we are not stuck with something that does not work. We can change it. People who got their sense of significance by winning at all cost have found out that they could change and find the same significance by helping others to win, by contributing rather than by seeking exclusively their self-interest.

Significance plays a very important role in our life. We need to explore the way that we do it and, if need be, change it to a more rewarding path.

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Arête, or personal excellence, was sought in order to attain Eudaimonia, commonly translated as “happiness.” Times have changed but the common desire to attain happiness has not. And what was true in Aristotle’s day is still true today. The surest way of attaining happiness is through Personal Development.

Definition of the term Personal Development.

Personal Development means exactly what the words implies, developing our personal resources to its full potential. Seems easy enough to understand yet, it is probably one of the least understood term.

For most people, Personal Development means learning new tricks of gimmicks to get what we want. That’s not Personal Development. At best, it’s an insincere form of behavior and in its worst case scenario it’s just plain deceit.

The objective of Personal Development is arête or personal excellence which can be found in the character of the individual and not simply in a form of superficial behavior that the individual can adopt.

In other words, Personal Development is a quest to develop and optimize one’s original resources to make the individual more effective, better equipped to face life’s challenges and better apt to reach the objectives necessary to attain the state of self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction and happiness.

True Personal Development increases a person’s worth. It belong in the realm of personal character and not simply in the person’s behavior.

Personal Development aims to build in and build up Aristotle’s basic virtues such as: courage, temperance, generosity, friendliness and magnanimity.

Now I know that this is not exactly what people seek when they are involved in Personal Development. Mostly they seek quick fixes and slick approaches to acquiring money and material success. No wonder that after years of practicing so called Personal Development principles no lasting changes have been observed.

Does that means that the teachings of Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Zig Ziglar et al are not worthy? Of course not. However we are all guilty of hearing what we want to hear.

Jim Rohn says something to the effect that, if you want to succeed, work harder on yourself than you do on your job and you’ll succeed. He said, work harder on yourself… he did not say learn some slick tricks. He did not say learn this formula and apply it. He said, “Work on yourself.” To work on yourself means improve who you are as an individual. Improve your character. Be a better person. Develop the basic virtues of courage, temperance, generosity, friendliness and magnanimity among others.

How can a virtue be developed? The best way to do that is by raising it in the hierarchy of personal values. We tend to protect more what we value most since losing it would cause considerable pain. So, by raising that virtue in our esteem it will increase in importance in our eyes and will be better protected and practiced.

It can also be done by emulating someone that we admire and who demonstrates that virtue prominently. Emulation is a power tool that can be used with great effectiveness. Whether we know it or not, we are highly influenced by those that we respect. That characteristic can be used consciously or unconsciously and naturally, it’s a lot more effective when we use it deliberately.

Personal Development also means self-transformation. Learning something but not changing who we are is useless. Knowledge is only effective when it is used. Years ago I would go to motivational seminars. We would get all hyped up and get back home ready to turn the world upside down. Sadly, the feeling would only last a few weeks at most.

Positive permanent changes do not come easy. Our brain is quite resistant to changes. It is said that the brain is like a muscle and that analogy is especially true as far as personal transformation is concerned. It is not easy to sculpt and transform a muscle. It takes work and dedication. The same applies to acquiring new and more empowering habits and behavior.

Alexis Carrel author of Man the Unknown said something to the effect that, the transformation of man is not an easy task for he is at the same time the block of granite and the artisan who must, through powerful blow of the hammer, sculpt and fashion the master piece that he wants to become.

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