One of the major roadblocks to self-expression is the fear of rejection. People will go to their grave with the song still in them because of that fear. Wonderful opportunities have been lost and the quality of life has been dwarfed for many because of it. The fear of rejection, in the best-case scenarios, is very annoying and in extreme cases, it’s a debilitating curse.

Before we can learn how to handle successfully the fear of rejection, we need to understand its nature. The fear of rejection is a phobia. It’s an excessive fear of something that is innocuous or harmless. It’s an exaggerated reaction toward an imaginary threat. Nothing else.

The worst that a rejection can cause is a bruised ego. Nobody ever died of a bruised ego. However, that is not what a person in the throe of the fear of rejection will perceive. Just as is the case of any phobia, the response to the threat is highly exaggerated and the fight or flight response may become be activated.

When that happens, a benign threat will be perceived as an eminent danger that could have devastating if not of deadly consequences. That’s what a person affected with the fear of rejection will feel and that’s what his reality will be. No wonder that the response takes on such a disproportionate dimensions.

Eliminating the fear of rejection is affected primarily through a desensitizing process. The possible effects of rejection must be carefully and logically scrutinized. The following questions must be carefully examined, “What will happen to me if someone manifests, in words or in action, some expression of disapproval, criticism, resentment or rejection?”

If we have to be honest and sincere about it, the worst that can follow a rejection is a bruised ego. And that is only in the cases where we will allow our ego to be affected by the incident. Words by themselves have no power to hurt us – that is, unless we allow it to be.

The more we explore the real effects of rejection, the more we understand that it has little consequences or significance. Someone does not like us or disagree with us; so what? Everyone his entitled to an opinion and we certainly don’t have to share it.

No one can rise in the social hierarchy without gathering a proportional share of people who will disagree, show unwarranted resentment and express some form of rejection. It goes with the territory. Champions, winners and mover and shakers know that and understand that it’s a very small price to pay for the life that they live and enjoy.

In the Stone Age, rejection meant that you could be excluded from the clan and left out of support and resources. This is no longer the case. In today’s world, rejection might even be seen as a sign of personal success. If you’re a nobody, no one will criticize and reject you; you’re not worth the effort. On the other hand, as you rise above the crowd, some opposition is to be expected.

No one enjoys criticism and rejection. On the other hand, incidents involving opposition have to be seen in the proper context. If someone else is on a different wavelength, it’s not necessarily a reflection on our self-worth. It takes a big person to be understanding, forgiving and tolerant. Not everyone has reach that level. So, let’s not be overly affected when we come across one of those poor souls who tries to rain on our parade. It’s not worth the time or efforts.

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To succeed at anything, obstacles have to be surmounted, lack of resources has to be overcome and people have to be influenced. In order to accomplish that, the efforts displayed have to be proportional to the challenge.

One of the primary causes of failures is failing to correctly assess the required efforts needed to reach the objective. We tend to underestimate what it will take to reach the brass ring. We also tend to look at those that we consider be successes and be amazed at how easy it was for them.

One of the reason for that is that we see what we want to see rather than take the time to dig and find out what the truth is. We fall prey to the Pollyanna principle; that is, we tend to have positive bias. We tend to highlight the positive sides and downplay the negative aspects.

The reality is that there are very few overnight successes. Success is like a beautiful, elusive and capricious woman. It has to be intensively pursued before it can be won. If success were as easy to attain, as some gurus would like you to believe, almost everyone would be a resounding success.

Success is the logical outcome of adequate planning, realistic objectives and a solid commitment to leave no stone unturned until the objective is achieved. That is where the magic of massive action comes in.

Massive action implies that whatever barrier and every obstacle that stand in the way of completion of the objective will be assailed with irresistible force until it falls. Massive action is the offspring of an irrevocable determination; it is the result of being willing and ready to put forth whatever ethical effort necessary to achieve success.

The problem with massive action it that is has a bad connotation. It seems to imply all work and no play. That could not be further away from the truth. In order to achieve great success, the work and efforts required have to create passion and it has to be fun.

Unless the work involved contains its own reward, long lasting success would be next to impossible. True success requires total commitment. Something that would be impossible to achieve with the ambivalent attitude of someone who’s only interested in the result and is not passionate about the process to get there.

Massive action requires passion. It requires the passion that will allow the professional athlete to break the pain barrier and give his all at each performance. The passion that will sustain the entrepreneur who has just lost everything and find the wherewithal to turn around and start all over again.

Success is a science and not a fluke. It is something that can be studied and learned like anything else. Part of this study includes the mechanisms of massive action. Not a very complex subject. Suffice to know and understand that massive action is essential to success and that passion is essential to massive action.

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The human mind is funny. Once it has accepted a belief, it will hold onto it even in the face of undisputable proof to the contrary. Not only will the mind resist to changes its long held beliefs, it will perform incredible gymnastic to modify contrary information so that it conforms to what was previously held to be true.

Critical thinking is a rare staple while listening or reading self-improvement material. The problem is that, too often, quantity supercedes quality in the scope of our studies. We try to assimilate too much too fast. When that is done, concepts that differ from our previous beliefs will be overlooked and only evidences that confirm what we already believed will be noticed.

The mind resists changes. It wants to hold onto what has sustained us in the past. With changes we start trampling in unknown territory and with that comes the possibility of pitfalls and dangers. Something that the mind abhors. So it will do whatever it can to avoid it.

There is also the fact that self-improvement goes against the grain of social-proofs. Most people will pay lip service to self-improvement techniques but that’s about as far as it will go. That is very understandable.

The self-improvement world is filled with wild and outlandish claims that can only lead to deceits. That is especially true in the land of the Law of Attraction. Self-anointed gurus will offer amazingly simple formulas that promise to take the believer to seventh heaven overnight. Of course such techniques, though they may be based on partial truths, are bound to deceive and shed a bad light on the self-improvement world.

The major problem that we face in self-growth is not found in learning something new. The problem is getting rid of previously held notions and beliefs. Those are so deeply entrenched in our psyche that we find it very hard, if not impossible, to challenge their validity.

The mind feels that our views of the world have kept us relatively safe so far so it has no reason to change. We’ve already experienced the result of our mindset and we’ve been able to deal adequately with it so, why change and risk greater challenges in the process.

So, in a nutshell, self-growth’s worst enemies are: the innate resistance that we have to challenge and change our beliefs and the propensity to try to achieve overnight transformation.

Self-growth requires more critical thinking than it does acquiring new information. Until it is digested and thoroughly assimilated, new information is worthless. Critical thinking and soul searching is essential before any new concept can be assimilated and integrated.

That is not a process that can be rushed or drowned in a sea of information. It is a slow and gradual process where we are at the same time the teacher and the artisan of our own changes. Not an easy feat to accomplish since we are our own worst enemy.

Intellectual, spiritual and emotional self-growth requires patient and relentless efforts. To think otherwise is to fool ourselves. However the efforts that we invest in ourselves are by far the most rewarding that anyone could ever find. The quality of every aspect of our life depends on it.

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At best, Social-Proof may offer a point of view where none existed before and in the worst-case scenario, it fosters the herd mentality where the loudest and most vocal individuals or medias form the general opinion. Not an ideal situation.

It is a fundamental axiom that, if we think and act like most people do, we will achieve and reap what the average person does. Without being overly judgmental, I believe that it would be safe to say that we can aspire to get more than that out of life.

If we aspire to a better quality of life than what we see around us, we have no choice but to affect a shift away from the popular paradigm and think and act outside the box. The quality of our life is mostly affected by the actions that we take and the decisions that we make. It we refer to Social-Proof to take our actions and make our decisions, it stands to reason that we will share the common lot.

Now it is a hard fact that we do need guidance and role models. Rediscovering fire and reinventing the wheel is far from being practical or even feasible. We need road maps for life, we need guidelines and effective plans of action. If Social-Proof offers no reliable references, where can turn to get them?

There is a plethora of great men and women who have already achieved what we hope to achieve and lived the quality of life that we aspire to have. That is where we need to look. That is where reliable inspiration and information can be found. Those are the people that we should study and emulate.

At first sight, tailoring our lives against those models seems to be a daunting if not impossible task. Actually it is not more difficult than any other major undertaking. It could be compared to a College education in terms of efforts and studies with the obvious advantage that it can be done leisurely over a longer period of time.

Nothing worthwhile is ever simple or easy. Emulating the greats is no exception. When we first consider the idea of doing it, the question that first comes to mind is, “Is it worth the effort?” The answer to that lies within another question, “How important is it to enjoy a successful, meaningful and happy life?” Once asked, both questions become non sequitur.

It is impossible to follow a path that leads to failure and expect to succeed. In life as in the science of physic, results are predictable. It is always, action, reaction, and result. It never fails. It does not matter whether we believe that to be true or not.

If an ingredient is not added to a recipe, it will not magically appear in the finished product. If the things that need to be done to achieve the results that we want are not performed, those results will not happen. Life deals with facts, not with wishful thinking.

We have but one life to live. Since we want a great life, we need and we seek information and guidance to direct our actions and decisions. In doing so, we face two options. We can either chose to follow the Social-Proofs and reap the average person’s lot or we can turn to the Master for guidance and inspiration and have a fantastic life.

At first sight, the latter choice may seem to be the most difficult road to follow. It is not. When everything is considered, it is the only worthwhile option. That’s what the Masters did and that’s what we need to do if we want to achieve and obtain what they, themselves, did.

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The ego needs and craves a sense of significance. It needs to feel that we count, that we matter, that we are somebody. In this sense, the ego can be our best friend just as it can be our worst enemy. It all depends on how it satisfies this sense of significance.

Primitive man satisfied this sense of significance through brute force. The stronger man was the alpha and a picking order was established throughout the clan where the members jockeyed to climb as near the top of the pyramid as possible by using physical domination and brute force.

Luckily we have evolved. We now have many options to satisfy this sense of significance that will feed the ego. Brute force has been replaced with more sophisticated way of acquiring social significance. The techniques have evolved but the main objective is the same, a sense of self-importance. And, the way to we seek to satisfy this sense of self-importance can lead us to glorious heights as it can drag us down to abject failures.

If we seek this sense of self-significance through contribution and by providing value, we are one the right track. On the other hand, if it is sought by questionable manipulating technique or by taking advantage of others, we are heading down the wrong path.

This need for a sense of significance is universal however, more often than not, it is a need that flies below the realm of consciousness. The need is there but it has not been recognized as such. When that happens, the techniques used to satisfy the need are not consciously explored and left to chance and outside circumstances. That is when needless miseries are created and lives are wasted.

The need for significance can be achieved through domination, violence or any of hundreds of ways of attracting attention to the self. We see it in the perpetual victims of outside circumstances, in people with self-destructive behavior and in the eternal whiners. These are all negative and destructive way of acquiring a sense of significance.

Anyone intent on designing and building a successful, rewarding and meaningful life should explore the ways and means used to feed the ego and acquire that sense of significance. The question should be asked, “Am I getting my sense of significance by contributing positively to society and by providing value or am I doing it by seeking attention in a negative and self-destructive way?”

The answer to that question might be enormously revealing. Changes may have to be made. The person who is devoting his life to contribute positively to society and the bully who is terrorizing the neighborhood are after the same thing, a sense of significance. Different methods, same objective.

We all have an ego that needs to be nurtured through a sense of significance. That need could turn out to be our best friend as it could prove to be our worst enemy. It all depends on the way and means that we use to satisfy that need. By contributing and providing value, we grow. By seeking attention in a negative and destructive way, we join the ranks of those who are part of the problem rather than being part of the solution.

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With passion we live, without it we simply exist. Passion is the great motivator; it is the catalyst that ignites the imagination, the force that breaks doors down and the ultimate spark that brings life where none existed before. With passion we are vibrant and alive, without it we are simply marking time.

Passion is that state when the energy if fully concentrated on a specific and all-important objective. An objective that is deemed greater and more important than we are. With passion we are on a mission. With passion, failure is not an option. Passion is the one element absolutely essential to any worthwhile achievement.

Passion is an emotion that we were born with. It may be one of the first emotions that we ever felt. Anyone who has ever seen a baby cry because he was hungry will attest to that. There is no reserve there. Every once of energy is monopolized to satisfy the need for food. That’s passion in its most elementary form.

As we grew and matured into adulthood, we were taught to subdue our passion. We learned to be “reasonable.” We learned how to compromise. That may have been a necessary lesson but it may also be a lesson that was so forcefully injected that it buried the ability to feel passionate. If so, passion has to be rekindled and nurtured so that it can be reborn.

Passion is associated with the Id part of our psyche. It is part of the raw and primitive impulses of the beast that lies within us. A beast that must be tamed and controlled but not one that should squashed and destroyed. Passion controlled, is our best ally, unchecked it becomes our worst nightmare.

Passion has a deadly enemy and it’s called frustration. Frustration, if allowed to linger on, can either destroy passion or turn it into a self-destructive force. Passion and frustration can create a very toxic mixture that must never be allowed to overcome rational thinking. Either we master strong emotions or we become the their slave. Mastering those emotions is what maturity is all about.

With maturity we can turn explosive and potentially destructive passion into a rather quiet but unstoppable force. That is the passion that can be seen in the Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi and Barack Obama. By controlling their passion, these people were propelled to greatness. On the other hand, the headlines are filled with the sad stories of people who could not or would not control their passion and where misery ensued.

The right kind of passion can be nurtured and cultivated. That is done with practice. It is done through complete involvement and total focus. We can be passionate about almost anything. It can be done in sport, writing an article or designing and building a life. Passion, as with any other sphere of endeavor, is perfected through practice. The more we exercise it, the more adept we become.

Passion is a gift that we received at birth. It can be our greatest resource as it can be the source of our demise. It’s a resource that has to be nurtured, mastered and controlled. It holds our future in its hands. Be grateful for the gift. Learn to use and exploit it and watch wonders unfold.

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The only possible answer to those questions would be, “mass hypnosis.” Somehow we were lead to believe that money was scarce and that it was hard to get, and we believed it. Not only did we believe it but it has also become one of our fundamental axioms.

The theory of scarcity is so deeply embedded in our beliefs that, even if we rationally find something flawed with it, it’s almost impossible to let it escape the emotional hold that it has on us.

A recent MSNBC report tells us that, “The number of people around the world with at least $1 million in assets passed 10 million for the first time two years ago.” Try to convince those 10 million persons that we live in a world of scarcity.

We are free to believe whatever we want. We can put our faith in the belief of scarcity or we can believe in the theory of abundance. We can believe that only the chosen few are destined to affluence and that it simply was not in the cards for us. Or we can believe that there is abundance out there just waiting for us to find a way to provide value and claim our well-deserved dues.

No one will dispute the fact that money does not grow on trees and that it’s not about to beat a path to our front door. But that’s a far cry from the scarcity mindset where only the lucky and privileged are free to enjoy a life of ease and abundance. In the overwhelming cases, money is the product of service rendered or value created. Something that we all can do.

What is truly needed to enjoy more abundance is not more resources. What we need is resourcefulness and the conviction that those resources, in this case money, is already all around us and just waiting to be exchanged for service rendered or the creation of added value.

The scarcity mentality is anathema to prosperity and a curse that prevents wealth creation. It is very difficult to prosper in what is believed to be a world of poverty. It creates a sense of helplessness that fosters inertia and thoughts of gloom and doom.

On the other hand, the attitude of overflowing abundance will inspire, energize and motivate. No one would want to sow if they believed that they were on sterile soil however, with the promise of an abundant crop, the gut reaction would be much different. If we believe that wealth abounds, opportunities will be seen everywhere, with the certitude that failure is inevitable, inertia sets in and the mindset becomes a reality.

We live in a world of abundance that would have been imaginable in a not so distant past. Just imagine what it was like just one hundred years ago and compare it to today. We live in a world of incredible abundance. The problem is that we have been brainwashed into thinking that times are hard and that wealth is difficult to attain. A reality check is needed. Just stop listening to the naysayer and look around. The money is there and so are the opportunities. Just waiting for the hardy souls ready to make a move.

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Whenever someone of that status talks, we should listen to what the person has to say. “The more I help others to succeed, the more I succeed.” is one of most meaningful and truest quote that I ever stumbled upon. It is truly by helping others that we can best help ourselves.

When we hear about helping others, the first thing that comes to mind is giving money to those in need. That may be a very lofty thing to do, but I don’t believe that it’s the best way to truly help people. There is a Chinese proverb that says, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

That metaphoric proverb is telling us that if we give money to someone in need, we may help that person for a short while but if we teach someone how to succeed we help him for a lifetime. A dollar’s worth of wisdom may be worth a thousand time that amount to the person who receives it.

The best part of all that is that it is by teaching others that we learn best. There are many success formula that we know instinctively but it is when we try to explain that concept that we truly get to the bottom of its implication. There is no better way of learning than by teaching.

Before we can effectively convey a notion to someone else, we have to make it crystal clear in our own mind. The abstract has to be translated into specific words and simplified where it can easily be understood. A rather fuzzy notion has to be given life. Thoughts have to be given an exact and understandable meaning. We must seek to truly understand before we can be truly understood.

Helping and teaching others how to succeed also has a profound impact on how we see ourselves. In our own eyes, we become leaders and examples. We are forced to practice what we preach. Saying one thing and doing another would destroy our purpose. People are more receptive to what we do than they are to what we say. Giving the talk without doing the walk would be counterproductive and futile.

There are many ways that we can teach others the science of success. It can be done by writing articles, through private counseling and tutoring or by giving speeches on the subject. But the ideal way is through personal example and by taking time out to help someone whenever the occasion presents itself.

If we take seriously the mission of helping and teaching others, we will be motivated to learn more about the science of success. We will study that science with the intent to eventually teach it so we will be more invested in exploring all the ramifications of every news theory that we come across. It’s the best, fastest and most effective way of mastering the self-improvement world in terms of understanding and execution.

It is by helping and teaching other that we can best help and teach ourselves. No matter where we are in life, someone can benefit from our expertise and experience. The help that we provided others is returned exponentially. Great leader were also great teachers. That’s how they did it. So can we.

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A life without direction and a purpose is a wasted life. The problem here is that finding what our life’s purpose should be is not an easy task. For most people it’s an impossible task. That is when knowing what the ultimate objective is becomes important.

Contrary to popular beliefs, the ultimate objective is not materialistic. It’s not having the fat bank account and the big house and the shiny sport cars. These may all contribute toward attaining the ultimate objective but they are not it.

What is the ultimate objective? What is the reason that we do almost everything that we do? What is it that we want more than anything else. The answer to all these questions is that, – we want to feel good – period.

Everything that we do in our life is done in an effort to avoid pain and gain pleasure. It may not always look this way. Take the case of a soldier who will throw himself on a grenade to save his buddies. At first glance it may appear that this was against the “seek pleasure and avoid pain” principle. Not so. For that soldier, at that moment, becoming a hero by giving his life for his buddies was less painful than not doing it.

If we examine closely the decisions that we took in our life, we find that they were all done in an effort to move away from pain and get as much pleasure as possible. In some cases we chose the path that was less pleasurable for the moment so that we may enjoy more pleasure in the future. That would be the case of a student who stayed in school longer so that he would have a better job later. But, even in that case, it was pleasure that prevailed over pain.

So, now that we know what we ultimately want, that is, to feel good, we are ready to chose our life’s purpose. And that life’s purpose will have to be whatever has the best chance of making us feel good.

Stephen R. Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People tells us that, we should begin with the end in mind. By that he meant that we should define the objective first and then take the first, second, third and so on step toward achieving that objective.

That’s exactly what should be done in choosing our life’s purpose. We know that the ultimate objective is to feel good, now we have to chose the life’s purpose that will fill that ultimate objective.

In my case, I knew what would make me feel good and that was to live with a princess. Princess don’t come cheap. They are expensive. So I mapped out a plan to earn the money that was needed and a plan that would shape me in what would be suitable for a princess. I believed in that and I put all my heart and efforts into achieving that goal.

It worked. I did what I had to do then found the princess and I have been living happily ever after. It all started with the end in mind, the princess, Then the plan was created and followed with its implementation.

My story is not yours. The desires are not the same and what gave me the sense of feeling good may not be yours but the process is the same.

Find out what makes you feel good. Define was life’s purpose will achieve that goal. Make a plan to achieve that life’s purpose and implement it. Then you will have achieved the ultimate objective which of course is, to feel good.

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The main reasons that people adopt self-destructive habits are to combat frustration and to fill the void created by what seems to be a meaningless existence. It’s a way of escaping a difficult and painful reality. A way of numbing the pain and an effort to get some parcels of pleasure to fill the voids.

The destructive habit does not even have to procure pleasure. It only has to sustain the memory that it once did and that will be enough to keep the habit firmly active. The average gambler will lose money more often (pain) that he will win (pleasure.) However those rare victories are enough to sustain the habit.

Destructive habits are methods used to escape the tedium of a boring and meaningless life. It’s the best possible option that the individual has been able to find so far. That being said, it becomes evident that the solution lies in finding more productive and empowering options.

That’s much easiest said than done for two reasons. First of these reason would be the refusal to acknowledge that the destructive habits are used as an escape route. Second is the fact that once humans have found a solution to a problem most of the time they will not even try to find another one — even if the solution that they are now using is almost as bad as the problem that they are trying to solve with it.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Same with solutions to problems. You can offer solutions but if there is not a will to change, nothing will happen. However, there is a way to circumvent that. And that is by reaching the threshold of tolerance.

People will change when they cannot take it anymore. When the situation gets to be so bad that it is no longer an option, changes will be made. Every decision that we make is an effort to avoid pain and seek pleasure. So when the pain that a destructive habit gives becomes worse than the effort to make a change would, a change will happen.

Understanding a problem opens the door to the solutions. Bad and destructive habits are an escape route from frustration or from a meaningless life. If so, two possible solutions become evident. The first solution will get us on the most expeditious but least reliable route.

That would be to trade a bad habit for a good one. As examples, a smoker could get into sport and physical activities or a gambler could get involved in community work. If enough satisfaction is created by the new interest, it has some very good chances of working. However, the basic problems is not solved. We’ve just found an escape route for a dull and meaningless life.

The other solution, the ideal solution, the one that would solve the problem itself would be to set the plan for an interesting and meaningful life and implement that plan. It sounds like a very tall order but it’s not as bad as it seems at first glance. That is, if the person is determined to change.

We can either design a life or react to it. We can be the creator of our destiny or a victim of circumstances. The choice is ours. Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” If we follow his advice and create our future, there will be no need and no place for destructive behavior. Loving life and wasting it are not mutually compatible concepts. Create the life that you want and lose the destructive habits that you don’t want. The key to your future is in your hands – use it well and there will be no regrets.

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